it’s time like these when I remember how much I sincerely hated you.

I fucking hate having this blog. It makes me sound really annoying and so dependent on my boyfriend. It’s just easier and faster than writing in my diary.

Yet… I’m going to talk about my boyfriend again.

To be brief: I’m afraid he’ll leave me for someone he goes to school with.  I have zero interest in any other guy I know, but I don’t know how he feels. I know he loves me. I just don’t know if that’s enough to stay with me or to not let his mind wander. I think I just distrust other girls, not him. Like I have first hand experience with flirting with guys who are in relationships, and they’ve flirted back. I don’t want him to do that. But I know there’s nothing I can do. I think my biggest fear is that I’ll end up going to Emerson and he’ll be like right there but then break up with me. And then I’ll be forced to see him out with his new girlfriend while I’m alone.

Yep, that’s it.

i love that he’s there for his friend. it’s just that sometimes i feel like he wouldn’t treat me as well if i were in such a bad situation.

sometimes i feel like my boyfriend doesn’t actually love me. one time he told me that he’s always wanted a girlfriend and he loves having a girlfriend. i told him i was the opposite and i never really cared if i had a boyfriend or not, i just wanted the right person. i get scared sometimes that he’s only with me because i’m someone he can call his girlfriend; someone he can be with when he feels like it or someone he can move on from just as long as he gets another girlfriend. i love him. just him. before we started dating i couldn’t care less whether or not i had a boyfriend because i was happy being single. now i’m happy being with him. like my happiness just changed its preference, not like i’m depressed when i’m single and i’m astonishingly happy when i’m in a relationship. well.. okay yeah i’m a lot happier now that i’m with him but it’s not because i have a boyfriend it’s because i have him.

my boyfriend told me he was scared that i was going to go to college really far away. even though i’m applying to colleges in like california and florida… chances are i won’t go. i’m scared he’ll want to leave me because he thinks i’ll leave him when i go to school. that’s really not the case. my dad’s really sick and chances are he’ll pass before high school ends/at least when i’m in college, and i don’t want to be that far away from home when he does. i also don’t want to be that far away from my mom because i know she’ll need me. and i know i’m gonna need my boyfriend when it happens too. he asked me why i would apply to far away schools if i didnt plan on going to them (he doesnt know about my dad) and i just said it was because i just wanted to see if i could get in. but actually, it’s because i like pretending that going that far away was a possibility. i like thinking that i could be that carefree. i’m not. 

one of my friends always complains about how she has no friends and how she wants to kill herself and how she cuts because no one wants to hang out with her. uhh… excuse me, but i do believe that those “friends” you wanna hang our with so badly are like not that great anyways, and obviously they treat you like shit. you do have friends, idiot, who would actually hang out with you, if you ever took the time to see them instead of complaining about the girls with sub-par personalities who don’t want to talk to you. . next time you ditch me to hang out with them, remember that. because i’ll probably ditch you to hang out with someone else.

tomorrow’s the breast cancer awareness day at my school. i hate when people talk about other people’s parents dying of cancer around me. they don’t know my dad has it.. and that he’s not doing well…. but i hate that when they talk of other peoples parents dying they make it gossipy and sound like they pity them. that’s why i don’t tell anyone. i feel better feeling alone in my sadness than to know people are pitying me.

i’m really nervous for this weekend. i’m really scared that i’ll get there and things will be different and we’ll have nothing to talk about, or rather i’m afraid that i’ll put all the effort into talking and he’ll put in a minimal amount. like today he told me that he has a lot of work due next week… i have a lot of work due next week too, which is why i’m working my ass off to finish it right now so i can actually spend some fucking time with him. i feel like i’m putting in all the effort to see him and talk to him and he could care less. once he was like “oh i wish i could go to your homecoming..” you can. you actually can. if you take the train home for one night then yes, maybe surprisingly to you, you can come and visit me and not the other way around. you arent trapped in boston. if you really want to see me you can.

i’m seeing him next saturday and i don’t know exactly how i feel. i’m SO excited.. it’s almost sad how excited i am.  like i’m excited to see him and hug him and hold hands with him and laugh with him and tickle him and snuggle with him and fall asleep next to him.  i’m just worried that after all this time he’ll feel differently about me.  i’m afraid he’ll see that i’m actually not all that great. i’m afraid he’ll find another girl who’s funnier than me, likes better music than me, is easier than me, who’s prettier than me.

it just hurts a lot. and i’m scared.